Our highly technological age has brought us to so many paradigm shifts including our way of looking at our own sexuality.  And speaking of sexuality, one thing that does not escape from it is the question on virginity.  Does it amount to something considering our current context of widening knowledge on the human being?

Janis Cortese has things to share us.  Here are some.

PURITY VS. EXPERIENCE:  WHAT DO YOU OWE SOMEONE? 

Many people who feel strongly about one or the other side of this issue often make much of what a lover “owes” their partner. “Keep your virginity as a special gift for your first spouse; you owe it to them to remain pure!” “Get rid of your virginity when you can — your spouse deserves a competent lover instead of a bungler!”

Both of these attitudes fall flat for a simple reason — what you owe yourself is never addressed! Why is it that the only thing that people often say about virginity regards losing or keeping it is that you owe it to someone else, some stranger that you haven’t even met? Sexuality is a wonderful thing, that can make you a better person for having learned about it, but its chiefest value is that it can help you grow. You owe it to yourself, and to your future partner, to be honest about what you want. Saying that you “owe it” to someone to keep your virginity or lose it turns that first time into obligation make-work that you have to do for someone else’s benefit, to say nothing of the damaging effects of being regarded as a bungler through no fault of your own.

It’s always good to know what you want, and to that end, sexual experience can help you find that out. You might know the hazy outlines of what you enjoy or what you wouldn’t want to do in any circumstances, but charting the grey areas can often only be done through doing. But you don’t “owe” it to anyone to keep your virginity or lose it, and when it comes to your very first time, the most important thing is for you to think of what you want, to get in touch with your own preferences, so that you can be honest about those preferences to a treasured lover, be that lover a spouse on your honeymoon, or a close friend with whom you’d like to experiment.

Thinking of sexuality as something you “owe” someone else keeps you from learning what you want. Often, especially for women, learning what you like and dislike during sex can be like listening for a whisper in the middle of a busy city street — the little voice in your head that tells you what you like is drowned out by the chatter of a million other people telling you what you “should” think. And being told that you “owe” something to someone can drown out that little voice totally.

Keeping or losing your virginity is a decision that you make, and valuing either one over the other fails to take into account the fact that the experience has radically different meanings for different people. To the impatient person who is anxious to learn about sex and enthusiastic about it, or who wishes to find a good experience to get over their nervousness, early sexual activity can help them. To the person who is not interested at the moment, confused about their sexuality, or who has bad experiences in their past to overcome, being encouraged to lose their virginity early can do damage. Confusion over sexual orientation can make this especially difficult — how can you get into bed with someone if you aren’t even sure who you’d want to get in bed with?

The simplest thing to remember is that you should, if possible, have sex for the first time, when and if you feel ready and willing, and for no other reason.

For some people they are ready and willing and impatient as all hell at 16 or younger. For others, they are not prepared to make the decision to have sex for the first time until they are in their late twenties. Yours truly was in her twenties before she made the decision to have sex for the first time, and it wasn’t a terribly good experience. No small amount of self-knowledge is required for many people to make the decision to have sex for the first time — this is perfectly okay, as sex is a powerful experience for many. And people arrive at that decision at different times. If you jumped in with both feet yelling, “Cowabunga!” and had a blast, that’s a great thing. If you combatted negative attitudes your whole life and have reached a point where you can enjoy sex, that’s also great. If you’re still in the process of learning what you want, haven’t found the right person yet, are still confused about your sexuality, are battling a terrible experience in your life, or just plain don’t feel like it yet — that’s okay, too. It’s your life. You’ve got all the time you want. It’s a hoary old cliche, but it’s the truth — if someone refuses to take up with you because you are either not a virgin, or because you are a virgin, that person isn’t worth your time. They aren’t interested in you — and more of a relationship happens clothed than unclothed at any rate!

Ultimately, there is one thing and one thing only that you owe your partner — and this goes for the worldy as well as the inexperienced: If you are a virgin, you owe it to your partner to be honest about your curiosities and reservations. If you are bedding a virgin, you owe it to them to listen to what they say and not to sneer at them. To the virgin who is nervous — you won’t be nervous forever. To the person who is bedding a virgin, remember that you were once in their shoes and try to see your present position as that of mentor.

(If you can’t already tell, I have little time for sexually experienced people who sneer at or laugh at those without experience. I consider that to be a terribly damaging and hypocritical attitude since many such people also loudly proclaim their desire to combat “negative attitudes about sex.” Well, you won’t do that by sniggering up your sleeve at inexperienced people. There is no excuse to sneer at sexually inexperienced people, absolutely none. That behavior is simply rude and unacceptable in civilized company, and speaks more of a desire to regard oneself as contemptuously superior to someone else than to truly promote sexual education and openness. Remember, those of us with sexual experience were in their shoes once, too.)

You owe it to the person you’re with to respect them, not to judge them, and to be honest about your own preferences and concerns.

If anything at all, virginity does amount to something, why would someone waste it away.  It must be treasured and when it has to be given away, the receiver should treasurer it as much as you did.  But for me, virginity is more than physical.  It’s total.  Once a virgin, always a virgin.  Get that?

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